last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
