they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
