the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
