apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
