im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
