Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm just crazy horny about you
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
