she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
