If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
