I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
