well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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