the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
