Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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