So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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