nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
did i walk over a car last night?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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