I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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