i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
