what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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