apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize