Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
