My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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