I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
