Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
