Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
