when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
