my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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