fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
