Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
