I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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