What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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