There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
