It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
