Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
