i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
