I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
