The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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