the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
