Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
