I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
