I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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