i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
