What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
