finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
