i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
