I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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