i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
