I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
