fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
