Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
