I wish you could order shots online.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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