I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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