Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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