Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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