So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
