If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
