I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
